Hell Explained

Ahhhh, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The dirty details of my week in Hell. I won’t really say everything since every little thing isn’t that important or relevant. I’m updating on my last night here. I leave tomorrow. Thank God.

I’ll start off with getting dropped off at the airport, in which my own mother didn’t shed a tear for my departure to the oh-so-boring countryside made for old people. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe some kind of emotion caused by the thought of her only daughter leaving her side for the next three months. Pretty sure she smiled the whole hour ride back home. Ha.

Nothing really important happened at the previous two airports I went to, but later in the day I arrived at the last one and had to wait three hours or so for a ride to the town the grandparents I was going to be living with live in. I have two sets of grandparents that live fifteen minutes from each other. One set is labeled as Hell (grandma and grandpa) and the other is labeled as Heaven (grandfather and grandmother).

My driver loved talking, which kind of annoyed me since I wanted to fall asleep and pretend I was anywhere but in a two-hour car ride. He mentioned his daughters were in the Olympics and had straight-As. I wish!

When we got to the town, which is just a highway, my grandparents greeted me and we go out to this small, loud restaurant next to a nail salon. How crappy and cheap can you get?

The thing about the grandparents I lived with for a week is they hate anyone who has an opinion. I guess my whole family is like that the more I think about it.

My grandma is a bitch. She looks like a deflated frog and wears these awful white tennis shoes with a small black cross body bag. She also waddles like a penguin whenever she walks anywhere. We don’t get along at all.

My grandpa, her partner (they aren’t married but they’ve been together for over twenty years), is hard at hearing, has dentures, and doesn’t wear pants outside. He has this thing in his stomach or chest that will instantly kill him if it bursts out from picking something up that’s too heavy. I’ve wondered how I’d react to the news to his death. Would I be relieved? Cry? Would I be emotionless?

I don’t even know him. I can’t be upset about something like this happening if I never really connected with him, you know? How brutal does that sound? Not crying over my own grandpa’s death?

Anyway, back to the restaurant next to the nail salon… They wouldn’t even let me talk a full sentence, and so I just sat there, eating my fried shrimp and wanting to pass out and die. My grandpa offered some poor kid a bite of his steak. I wanted to crawl in a hole and shrivel up and die right then and there. It didn’t help that I have the same hair color as my grandma and can be mistaken as her daughter or whatever, not that I would be since she’s old as shit. Going out in public with old people is so embarrassing and should be avoided at all costs.

On the other hand, my grandfather is married to a Russian, and it’s the best thing ever. She’s beautiful. Old, but still beautiful. Her name is Sonechka, but we all call her Nechka. Her accent is so thick I can hardly understand what she’s saying half the time, but her hand and arm movements are so exaggerated it looks like she’s playing charades. I just smile and nod whenever I can’t understand what she’s saying. I love being around Nechka.

Her husband, which is my grandfather that actually has his teeth, is big. Double chin, big belly, the works. He’s rich, which makes up for that stuff. He gives me lots and lots of money on holidays and special occasions. Wanna know the best part? His house has no ants or bugs in it. And his dishes are clean and his house doesn’t smell or look dirty!

We had a goodbye dinner tonight, and my grandpa gave me my graduation gift. A necklace from Spain and one hundred bucks. That’s eighty bucks and a necklace more than what my other grandparents (the ones I have been living in Hell with) gave me. You can guess who I like more.

When I told my grandma about the money, she said, “That makes me seem like a cheapskate!” She only buys Great Value, so she really is one.

Hell was terrible. Ants were all in the bathroom, and a moth hung out there for what seemed like forever. I found a spider in the room I was sleeping in, and I actually washed everything I ate with/off before they touched my food. The floor was dirty and gross and seriously needed a sweep and mop to it. I vacuumed the whole house because I was forced to, but at least I put in some effort to clean it up a little. It didn’t last. I was also kicked out of the room when the 5 o’clock news came on, and all my grandpa watched was western and black and white movies. They were so boring and poorly acted.

Their dogs hate me, too. Oh the fun!

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incognitogyrl

Just a gyrl talking about lyfe.

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